Originally posted on my Tumblr account, December 2014.
I’m the most paranoid person you’ll ever meet. My close friends know how scared I am even on petty things. So I don’t even know why I wrote this blog. Lol. My purpose is mainly to inspire people. And also to give encouragement to every person who doesn’t believe and love themselves that much. So here’s the story..
I never experienced being petite. I was a chubby kid ever since. Of course when you’re a kid, people would find it cute when you’re chubby. But then when I started growing up, that was the time I really hated my appearance, my broad shoulders– everything about my figure. I remember ranting and crying to my grandmother every time she says I got broad shoulders. I also remember how much I hated the fact that my father’s genes dominated my body which made me look this way.
Puberty stage was the worst. When I was in first year high school, we discovered that I have skin asthma. It is a skin disease which causes your body to itch a lot and would later result on swelling and having black marks/spots on your body. God knows how much I hated myself. I don’t even bother dressing up. I accepted the fact that I am not the “good-looking-head-turner” type of girl so might as well live with it. I learned to live with it for years.
Me when I was in High School. Even I have to laugh at this one lol
When I turned college, I would like to think I had a major improvement. I was really fat when I was in high school but then I was forced to starve myself before because I was pressured on wearing a swimsuit for our swimming class. As a result, I lost weight and people noticed it. I loved the way they compliment and even ask how did I do it. But then I went back to my normal eating habits, losing and gaining weight went on and on. I was losing and gaining weight all throughout my college years. I was so scared of going back to my previous size and started starving myself again. I learned how to wear make up, dressed up a little but, considering I have broad shoulders and still chubby, my clothing option was still limited.
Then I started working. I realized that someone would like me despite of me not liking myself. I somehow started gaining confidence and I stopped comparing myself to anyone. After some time, insecurities came back when something really personal happened and to be honest, insecurity increased during that time. I started comparing myself to other girls again. I remember me saying “shet kainis bakit ba naman kasi payat yung babaeng yun. eh pasensyahan na lang kasi hindi ako magiging ganon kahit kelan” (Shit. Why is that girl petite? How unfortunate it is cause I’m not like her and I will never be). Yeah I know that’s quite funny but I have those moments. I hated myself because I know that even if I starve myself to death I can never be petite. I got broad shoulders you know. BROAD.
Months passed, I started gaining optimism again, as a result of reading lots of articles about self-love and self-worth. Then on December of 2013, I discovered Danah and Stacy Guttierez’ blog called The Plump Pinay. I’m a self-confessed internet nerd and a huge follower of blogs but this blog will forever be my favorite because it served as an eye opener for me to love and fully accept myself.
With the twins of Plum Pinay: Danah and Stacy Gutierrez
One of the woman pegs: Stacy Gutierrez
I realized that what I have, what I can do and what I can never be is what makes me unique. Everytime we feel unwanted, we always blame someone for doing bad things to us. But it was really us who make ourselves unwanted. Confidence will always be our key to success. I know better now that the only way for you to give love to others is to give yourself the love that you deserve.
I started experimenting more and do a lot of mixing and matching. This is because I want to look good and feel good to impress myself.
The way I love myself now is the greatest gift I can give to the Lord. I don’t get insecure anymore. I know that there will always be greater than me but they can never be me. These are the things that I’m really proud of sharing because if there is something I’ve learned from all the rejections I’ve encountered, it’s loving yourself and your body. That’s something no one can ever take away from me. But how did I do it? Prayers. It’s true that prayers can move mountains. It was not an easy process because as you can see, my life was filled with so many insecurities ever since I was young. But you know, there will always be a wake up call. I used all the negative vibes into something positive. All the hurt and pain and insecurities I had were all worth it because there’s something I have learned from it. I know there are a lot of times when I joke my friends about me being pretty. Hahaha of course it was just a joke, I may be confident, but I am not arrogant. But every time someone says I’m too broad, chubby and not sexy I just laugh at them and say “nothing would really change so just get over it”. They’re telling the truth anyway but that wouldn’t make me feel less of a person. I now know my strengths as well as my weaknesses. As long as you know what really matters, then you’re all good.
Gone are the days when I’m so insecure of flaunting my big arms and legs.
I don’t have a perfect life right now. To be honest, im currently in the process of healing my messed up heart haha! But again, as long as you’re in love with yourself in a good way— self worth will follow. This will never happen without God. He waited for the perfect time for me to grow and mature. Loving yourself is the first step to maturity. So there, I hope you got something from me. You don’t necessarily need someone to make you realize the importance of loving your self and your God-given body. Its better if you realize it on your own. Like what I always wish for myself, I wish you all the happiness and love in the world!